So I had a bad day.....

Recently, my post have been on successes at the den and what those have taught me.  Today is a different tale!

The day began with a run that I could not complete. My left hamstring was not having it.  (I blame the stretching of said hamstring and sprints the day before.)

So, I rowed.

This was followed by stretching and some core strengthening.

And this, this was followed by the WOD a 10 minute AMRAP(as many rounds as possible):
5 HSPU  (hand stand push ups) modified using a box for me
20 meter sliders - you slide with your arms only for 20 meters.

And this was followed by another 10 minute AMRAP....and I am not sure what it was!?!?!  I ended up doing something different due to what occurred in WOD 1.  I did 10 sit-ups and 10 lunges.

I attempted a real HSPU before we started....just not quit there yet...I got the hand stand, just not the push up. 

So, I got set up on my box and knocked out 5.  I headed over to began my 20 meters of sliders, thus beginning the longest 20 meters of my life!!!

I quickly realized how physically, emotionally, and mentally hard this was.  I had many thoughts and emotions wash over me.  I thought about people who have suffered a spinal cord injury and how hard it must be for them to learn how to move using their arms.  As I attempted to maneuver across the floor, I became angry.  It was all I could do not to quit and walk out the door!!  I was feeling humiliated and defeated!!  I was mad at myself.  Mad for all the years I did not take care of my body.  Mad for all the times I have tried before just to quit.  Mad that I could not get across that floor any faster.  I grew even more mad when tears welled up in my eyes.

I also began hurting. I have been dealing with some muscle discomfort (not from working out!!)  and it tightened up. Now, I was mad for all the above reasons plus for the circumstances surrounding the physical pain. I finished those 20 meters and attempted another hand stand push up on the box, the pain was too much.  In 10 minutes time, I completed 1 round.  That 1 round pretty much took  the whole 10 minutes.   My Coach knew something was wrong...at that moment as bad as the pain was physically, it was worse emotionally, and mentally. 

I needed/wanted a good ole fashion cry session.

I did the 2nd AMRAP.  I have no idea how many rounds I did. It was hard to count and get through the pain, however doing it helped me feel slightly better about the failure I had just endured during the first AMRAP.

So I had a bad day.....

There have been times during the last few months that I worked out sooner than I should have....out of fear. 

Fear that if I if I don't go, I will give myself too much time off.

Fear that sickness or injury will lead me back to old habits.

Fear that I will not show a loss on the scale that week.

Fear that taking time off will put me back too many steps.  (And yes intellectually I know that if I hurt myself that will put me back more.)

But here is what I know:

Fear is a feeling, not a fact. 

Christ did not give me a Spirit of fear. (see 2 Timothy 1:7)

I have a pack of bears that will not let me stay gone.

My kids and my husband are in my corner.

I have family and friends that are supporting me.

Bad days happen and I am learning how to deal with them in healthier ways.  (The ones that happen in a workout and outside of one.)

That facing the emotions and mental things that wash up in a workout are sometimes the WOD.

Jesus did not bring me this far to leave me.

I love the lyrics to this song written by by Jessi Alexander and Jon Mabe:

"The Climb"

I can almost see it

That dream I am dreaming

But there's a voice inside my head saying

You'll never reach it

Every step I'm taking

Every move I make feels

Lost with no direction

My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying

Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain

I'm always gonna wanna make it move

Always gonna be an uphill battle

Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there

Ain't about what's waiting on the other side

It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing

The chances I'm taking

Sometimes might knock me down

But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it

But these are the moments that

I'm gonna remember most, yeah

Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong

Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain

I'm always gonna wanna make it move

Always gonna be a uphill battle

Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there

Ain't about what's waiting on the other side

It's the climb, yeah!

There's always gonna be another mountain

I'm always gonna wanna make it move

Always gonna be an uphill battle

Somebody's gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there

Ain't about what's waiting on the other side

It's the climb, yeah!

Keep on moving, keep climbing

Keep the faith, baby

It's all about, it's all about the climb

Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa

What are you looking at??

I was discussing Psalm 123 a few weeks ago with a group of ladies and was reminded of how important vision is!!!

Verse 1 says "I lift my eyes to You, the One enthroned in heaven."

As babies vision is vital to the development of strength, balance, perception, and many other skills.  As we continue into adulthood vision is just as important for these skills and many others.

In various areas of our lives we must look in a million different directions, however there are things that require focus. 

In crossfit my coach will say "look straight", the minute I don't focus I loose form, strength, and balance.

In parenting the minute I don't focus on what matters I loose my strength to remain calm and gentle.

In my marriage if I focus on the wrong things it creates tension.

In my walk with Jesus if I take my focus off of Him, I will sink like Peter. (see Matthew 14)

I have attempted this weight loss journey so many times, but my vision was always downcast.  I never lifted my eyes in belief or trust that God would answer my prayers.
I would get distracted or discouraged and loose my vision.  My vision has always been on "I can't".  I had to make a choice to change my vision and my belief to "I can", and trust Jesus in this area.  

There is a story in the bible about a king who gives his servants money. He asks them to put the money to work until he returns.  They all receive the same amount of money but what they did with it varied. One servant earned double the amount, one earned half the amount, and the last servant buried his money to keep it safe.  (see Luke 19)  Those two servants who earned more than what they were given took a risk, that third one played it safe.

What risks are you taking in your life?  What are you doing with what Jesus has given you until He returns???

I started my crossfit journey at the end of July with Kodiak Crossfit. Since the first day I have been blessed with a group of people who push me and who believe in me. When my vision looks down they tell me to look up.  Together some of us are doing a challenge.  In some of the workouts I am not successful, I get frustrated and discouraged, but I am making progress physically, mentally, and spiritually.   My head may look down for a moment, but my focus is still up.

There was a day recently that the workout involved one thing I doubted I could do.  I had only attempted this once before without success and as a kid.  However, where I lacked belief, others made up for it.  I took a risk, even in my unbelief, kept my vision up, and tired. 

I understand keeping your head down, but I have learned:

Where you set your gaze affects your outcome!

 Jesus is the lifter of your head. If you do one thing to give yourself success, you will start to believe, and begin holding your head in belief. 

Transformation Tuesday Part 2

I went to the park after I worked out today.  This was a place as a child that took me away.  I felt God on those swings as I sang songs from my favorite records.  Some of favorites were Annie, Down by the Creek Bank, Smurfs, and The Oak Ridge Boys. I could belt out some "Elvira".  These were moments that the anxiety of life never touched.

You wanna know how I know Jesus is changing me, not just in numbers on the scale, but inside out???

I went there today, no I was called there!!!

  I was a little hesitant when I arrived, because there were people.  So, at first I walked, then, I talked to the people, and then I swung.  (of course I knew I needed to take a pic for this, because God had already laid it on my heart, so I told them I was there to take a picture for something I was doing)  I did not want them to think I was some crazy woman! ;)

I have swung before this day, but this was different.  Not only physically do I fit better in the swing, but emotionally and mentally. It was a moment that the anxiety of life could not touch.  I am having more and more of these moments.  The more I conquer physically the more God is showing me to let go emotionally and mentally, and allow His peace in. 

I am a planner.  I plan dinner., I plan laundry day. I plan cleaning day. I plan grocery store day.  Guess what? 

Yep!  I don't have a plan this week...I have not been to the store yet...and we are OK!!!!  I am not stressing about it. That is transformation!

Just like with the numbers on the scale, I have so far to go in this area. But,  I am thankful God made me with a bit of OCD and I will continue to plan, but I will allow the myself to continue to learn to let go.  I will go back to being a kid sometimes and create moments for me, my children, and my husband that the anxieties of life can't touch, but God can! 

Happy Transformation Tuesday!  

All things through Christ! 

The same cadence

I was sweating on the elliptical trainer a few weeks ago when I noticed what appeared to be two strangers running side by side on the treadmills.  I was mesmerized by them.  They ran with the same cadence. I was in awe of their rhythmic sequence.  Two complete strangers running with the same beat.

I allowed my mind to wander as I continued my not so rhythmic dance with the elliptical trainer and I had a few thoughts: 

1. I am thankful for the people who do life beside me at my pace.

2. I am thankful for the people who run ahead inspiring me to push myself and for the lessons they teach.

3. I am thankful for the ones who run behind, reminding me to slow down and enjoy the moments life gives.

4. I am thankful that God puts strangers, acquaintances, friends in our lives to run the race with.

Another Crossfit Lesson

Kodiak CrossFit  provided me with another lesson last Wednesday.

 This was our workout.  I saw it posted the previous night.   I was a little anxious. Oh, my aching knees.  I am so slow...and this....this workout was for time.  And burpees......they are just all sorts of wrong.  

We will all be faced with challenges.  Are we going to face them and show up??

I prayed on the drive to the den (what we Kodiak's call our box).  I asked for strength, protection, and that I would make it through. I arrived mentally shaken, but I showed up.

I completed the warm-up and those burpees (mine are modified).  Who's idea was it to buy into September with burpees??  Then it was time to focus on the rounds...400m run, 10 burpee box jumps (mine were step ups), and 10 split snatches....all for 5 rounds for time.  I had a goal in mind for my time....40 minutes!

When faced with a trial start moving.

I grew "weaker" focusing on the to do list, but I began to take action.  I moved my body physically, focused on one task at time, and prayed more.  

My goal as I began was to run was at least 3 whole rounds, then I could run/walk if needed. 

Pay attention to your Breathing

Sometimes when are looking at a Goliath, all we can do is breath in and breath out.

Are you showing integrity during a challenge??

As I  made it through the rounds,  I wanted to quit. I remember running behind a building,  knowing I could walk and no one would see.  (a run/walk would have been acceptable to me here, I was past round 3, but I was learning a lesson).  I could also allow myself to become anxious over what I was pushing through, but I have heard that integrity is who you are when no one is looking?

Don't Quit!!! There are blessing on the other side!!

I completed round 4 and was given an out.  I could stop.  I had "permission" to not finish.  I did not want to feel like I gave up. My knees where "ok".  If I took the out, I knew I would regret it.   The clock had not reached my goal yet...there was hope.  My coach said you can finish, but you need to hurry....or something like that....so I went.  Round 5....I ran/walked it and completed the other exercises......in 39 minutes and 35 seconds. 

The blessings on the other side:  answered prayers, reminders that I can face and conquer Goliath's in my life, finishing what I started, my mind, my body, my emotions, my spirit all grew stronger.

The First Day of School

THIS WAS WAY TOO MUCH ON A MAMA'S HEART!!!


I was being a bit sulky about it, but was fine as we were getting ready for the day. The first day of school.   The excitement in their faces was priceless.  We took the famous back to school pictures and we were off. We dropped the kindergartner off first. She was ready, I walked out and the tears just came.  I just left my baby.  She would now be in school 5 days a week for roughly 160 something days for the next 13 years.  There is apart of my life that is over.  I have so much to look forward to, yet feel so sad at the season I am leaving behind. My 4th grader did not understand....at all....I am sure her eyes rolled a time or two.  She said I could walk her in but gave me plenty of boundaries.  Really??  My child is old enough to need space in social situations.  It really does seem like she was born yesterday.

I had such grandiose ideas for our summer.  I pinned so many fun activities that just sat in the world of Pinterest, untouched. I had this fantasy of one last summer, but reality was different.  Our summer was busy and it flew by.  We did accomplish some much needed fun, family time, and relaxation.  We also had growing pains, fighting between siblings, and mama losing her patience a time or two or three. And now its over.  I can't change a thing.  I can't change how I over reacted.  I can't change what we did or did not do. However, I can look back on the summer of 2013 as the summer that God answered prayers.  I had prayed for one last summer and He gave that to me.  I prayed about the weight loss show and what that could mean for my family and He answered that too.  I can remember the moments my kids cheered for me as I worked out.   I can remember the time my 9 year old faced her fear and rode the Superman. I can remember them getting a new puppy. I can remember them holding hands and jumping in the pool.  I am so thankful for the many memories and moments and what I can learn from them.

I had to go to Target yesterday and I watched several moms with their preschoolers and I cried.  It hurt my heart. How fast it goes!!!


Now I confess I think I will be fine all to quickly.  Going to the store alone is much easier.  Working out without them gives me one less worry as I attempt to maintain form and push through mentally.  Having these school days when I don't have to work, will give me time to accomplish things, renew, and will help me be a better mom.

But,  I pray that I can hold onto the ache in my heart as the managed chaos of the school year begins. I pray that I can remember this feeling so that when I want to react in anger or impatience that I instead choose gentleness and peace.   I pray that I hold on to the emotions so that I can soak up the moments of the next season. It too will be gone in the blink of an eye.

Who knows what God will do??

90 Day Goal, did I meet it or not??

Let me go back to the beginning before I tell you if I met my goal.  If you have read my past post I have dieted my whole life, but its been within the last few years that I have been working on doing things the right way.  Eating right, working out, allowing God to heal me and change me from the inside out. Its been a long few years and there have been so many people who have supported me, encouraged me, and cheered me on.  ( Thank you to all of you!!)

This is my starting pic from March 2011 at my heaviest

I made many efforts to gain health since this picture, but it was a a battle!  Some progress was made.  It was trying out for Extreme Makeover Weight Loss Edition that really gave me the push to fight again after my knee surgery.  I have now been fighting since May 20.  August 17 marked 90 days. The goal I had set for myself was 36lbs.  I did not make my goal,but I did loose 19.2, bringing my overall total to 45lbs!!! Happy, Happy, Happy.

Giving myself a visual

Even though it took me a few years to get in gear, the journey since April has been a blessing and God is transforming me.   Even though I did not meet the goal, there is change.

May 2013, July 2013, August 2013

March 2011, April 2013, August 2013

July 2013

All things through Christ!!!


Oh and today I did 100 jump ups, 100 push ups(not on my knees), 100 sit ups (still have to do 15 for my August ab challenge), 100 squats....all in 34:05!!!

If God can do the impossible in me, He can in you!