My one word this year is transform. I wrote about this word, making a choice to begin Weight Watchers, and a yoga program back in January.
I began the year with a desire to transform some clutter, my writing, our finances, my health, and to continue to transform to be more like Jesus.
The clutter is still there. (So glad I still have 5 months to go!!)
I have taken small steps toward working on my writing and will continue to do so.
We have made some changes in our finances and will continue.
I am continuing to transform to be more like Jesus.
As for my health, that is the main focus of this post.
As firmly as I made the choice to begin Weight Watchers and the yoga program. I have made the choice to quit both. Very soon after starting the yoga program I realized I did not enjoy it. I want more stretching and less isometric movements. And as for Weight Watchers, I have nothing negative to say about it, but nothing works if you don't work it......and I didn't work it well.
I have shared that I am an emotional eater. Food is my drug of choice. I have shared struggles with health and eating. I have confessed that at times I binge eat. I have on several occasions in the last few months. I recently took pictures of one particular binge, but deleted them days later....too embarrassed by what they showed. I don't recall exactly why I binged on this particular day, I am sure I was feeling tired, tired of being tired, and tired of being sick. I have dealt with one thing after another with my physical health since 2012. This time was chronic issues with sinus, allergies, and asthma that were keeping from just about everything. It is hard for me to not be all or nothing when it comes to eating well and working out. Back to the binge, on this day I drove to the store and purchased 2 kinds of chips, 3 boxes of something sweet, a coke, and made a pb&j. (I did not eat everything and I covered what was left in the trash....that is an issue ya'll) As I ate I watched a show about people weighing over 600 pounds.
Gari Meacham author of Truly Fed says, "This may seem extreme, but when we're deep in the throes of a binge, purge, or starvation cycle, common sense is lost, and we robotically cling to the bizarre behavior we hate. It's as though we lay the food on an altar-or countertop or table- and worship the momentary taste or the way it make us feel."
As I watched this show and lost my common sense I heard a woman's story that I could identify with. She reminded me of myself. Gari Meacham writes, "something in the past has pushed us toward our unhealthy relationships with food."
I listened to their stories as I stuffed my frustrations with food a new light went off about my journey.
I need more help, more accountability, more Jesus, and more self trust.
I need less excuses and less inconsistency.
I have ended up gaining all the weight back. The first picture is in 2011, the second is yesterday 7-17-16. There is a 4.5lb difference. I weigh more now than I did in 2011. The heaviest I have ever been.