Monday, February 24, 2014

Ramblings Amdist My Struggles


Big tears.

Numerous tears.

And I just tried candy I recently saw at a store because of those tears. I am also drinking comfort in a cup as I type....AKA hot chocolate.

I had previously started this post a few days ago, here is how it began:

They say things happen in 3s.

I am on my 3rd.

I ended 2013 and started 2014 with my knee being scoped, then pneumonia, and now I have a bad tooth abscess.

So, I am done for the year, right?!?!

I don't know if I am done.

I confess I have and I am struggling with all of this. I want to be well.  All of this puts a bump on the road to weight loss, health, and crossfit.  It makes it hard to care for myself, much less my family.

However all this has opened my eyes to understanding more what Rachel Stafford means over at Hands Free Mama. (not that I have any of it down...I am a work in progress)

It has shown me more about my one word:  Chase...and things I should be chasing.

As I drove home a few weeks ago, I was asking God again what He was wanting to teach me. I confessed my anger at yet one more thing to deal with.  I confessed my fear about the infection.

What I have heard God say in the last few months and in the quietness of my swagger wagon that night is this:

Learn to say no.  Even doing good things get in the way of making time for what matters.

Spend time with your family, not just running to activities.

Spend time with people.

Enjoy some of your hobbies.

Let things go.

Even though you are dealing with a lot lately, there are people dealing with more.

When things happen are you still going to chase me?  Or are you going to throw your journey and goals out the window?

You may feel a little lost right now, but I know right where you are.

Maybe I am preparing you for something down the road?

This time in my car brought tears to my eyes as I realized the struggle I have with prayer and with faith.  I love to pray, but God showed me that I limit my prayers.  I don't always pray bold prayers.....why??  I don't want to be disappointed when what I pray for does not happen.

But, what if??

What if I took a chance??
I praise if it happens. 
I praise if it doesn't.   I will not always understand His ways.

After I confessed this to a group of ladies one of them sent me a link to a blog, the post was titled praying for a miracle.

I love this guys words about prayer. 

He is ahead of us and behind us. Not only does He have our backs, He has the path ahead.

Jesus is in the business of transformation as seen many times in the word. 
He is not done transforming me and is using these things to do that!

All Things Through Christ!

Now, back to the tears.

Apparently 3 is not the magic number. 

In this blog post My Letter to Chris Powell, I wrote about a car wreck I was in.  It will be 19 years ago in March.  Today I found out that I will be needing to replace the bridge that I have from this accident and will need a root canal on one of the teeth in the bridge. We will start this work almost 19 years to the day of the wreck.

So many emotions were brought up as I was told this today. 

Through the struggles I have had the last few months I have felt anxiety daily.  Feelings of worry, fear, angst, and doubt.
I have had physical discomfort in my chest making me doubt I am over the pneumonia.  Today was no exception.  Anxiety and tears made up my day.

Yet, I know that "God did not give us a spirit that makes us afraid but a spirit of power and love and self-control"  2 Timothy 1:7 New Century Version (NCV).

You need to know that I am a mess.
When I write, its not usually because I have a handle on the thing, its cause I need to learn it.  God is using it as an active teachable moment in my life.

And it is hard!!!

As I sat in church yesterday somewhere I saw this verse, Psalm 34:4 "I sought the LORD, and He answered me and delivered me from all my fears." (NASB). 
I looked up the message version "God met me more than halfway, he freed me from my anxious fears."

Today, I am thankful that He is meeting me more than halfway. 

Sunday, February 16, 2014


 In a small group recently, I listened to ladies answer various questions, including this one, from the Chase study by Jennie Allen. I did not voice my thoughts on the question, but I have thought about it often since....I have thought about it most of my life.

 It is hard not to think about how others perceive you. 

A day in the life of the girl with food issues:
The morning had been stressful.  I woke up late resulting in yelling at my kids to hurry every 5 minutes. I had stayed up late to finish marking off my to do list.  I barely had time for breakfast.  Oh and did I mention we had some decisions that needed to be made that were weighing me down.  I did not have time to fix my hair or pay attention to my soul.  I had guilt for working and guilt for wanting to stay at home with my kids.  Many emotions and struggles.  Then it was lunch time.   I couldn't control anything else it seemed in my life, but I could control the food.  For so long it had been comfort...I have controlled it in a negative way.  It is like a drug and it medicates you, if even for a brief moment, easing the emotions, easing the stress. It fills for a second the hole screaming to be filled by Jesus. (We have to learn to quit filling the space with anything but Jesus...I know its me, food is not my only struggle!) I pick my poison for the day...a favorite sandwich shop...and here is the gist of what is said:
Clerk: "what can I get you today?"
Me: "umm we are going to share a foot long"
Clerk:  "would you like chips and a drink with that?"
Me:  "yes please'
Clerk:  "can I get you any cookies today?"
Me:  "Oh yes, I think he wanted 2 chocolate chip and I want 1 peanut butter and 1 macadamia nut."
When food is medicating you, you don't just order a little, you order a lot!!!  However, you don't want the person taking the order to perceive that you are eating everything...  Who am I kidding??   I am eating those cookies!! All those cookies....and that sandwich.  I confess I am worried about the how that person is perceiving me, thus the use of the little white lie.
As I mature in my faith, my age, and my journey with weight loss and health I have seen this regard to how others perceive me get less...but its still there.  I don't want anyone to judge me, interpret something I did or didn't do the wrong way rather it is food related or not! Sometimes so much so that I justify my actions instead of letting my yes be yes and my no be no.
But, its not so much others perception's of me that I need to worry about,
 its mine.
I can be my own worst critic. So many times in my life I never viewed myself as strong enough.  I was not good enough. I have said I can't more often than I have said I can. I have become great at perceiving myself for who I am not, instead of embracing myself for who I am.
As I focus on the word chase this year, I want to chase who I am and embrace it. I want to chase who Jesus says I am. I want to teach my girls to do this as well.

Along my journey I am learning to change my perception of myself. I am strong. I am worth it.  I am loved.  I can do things.  I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  I pray that you do as well.

Embrace who you are.  Embrace who's you are.

We can do all things through Christ.