July 2013 - July 2014

Every Tuesday I can usually be found watching the newest episode of Extreme Weight Loss.  I did not get to watch last night's till this morning. If you have read my blog or seen my Facebook posts then you know I tried out for this show...this season that I am currently captivated by. As I watched the amazing transformation on the last 2 episodes my emotions were stirred, not because I didn't make it, like I felt on the first episode, but just the whole of it. Watching someone move from a place of defeat to a place of victory is emotional!!  Seeing glimpses of this in my life since I tried out is emotional.  I know that I will continue my chase.  I will continue to move from a place of defeat to a place of victory.  (Not, that there weren't a few moments that I wished I had Chris and Heidi Powell for 365 days.....but God has put some amazing people in my life for this journey and continues to do so!)

As I watched the amazing women and their husbands transform the last 2 weeks, I realized why I have loved Crossfit so much of the last year: 

Last July when I walked into my first Crossfit class strangers believed in me. I learned many lessons.
During a class surrounded by people you don't know or maybe you do, you are pushed, supported, and believed in....and that carries over to many aspects of life.

Crossfit has taken me from places of defeat to places of victory many times.

I began to feel confident enough to wear a tank top out in public.
This picture shows the transformation from July of 2013 to November of 2013.
(I am a few pounds more than this pic now, due from gaining some after my surgery in December and hitting a very long plateau that I am still in, but still down 51# total.

I went from being scared to do a handstand on the wall to holding myself up briefly in a free handstand. Even a few seconds are powerful!!






I had  an amazing date for my 3rd 5k.  I could not do this without the support of my husband.



I did my first box jump this year! 

My journey is far from over...I have so far to go...but have come so far.  I will continue to chase transformation!  I planned on going back to crossfit after T25/summer, but my budget will not allow full time right now, however I am thrilled to have a found a box that will allow me to do a drop rate...check out Crossfit Reinvent.  I am also excited to be apart of Fit & Fierce  nutritional coaching and to participate in classes at Rhythms & Fitness.  (I did a high intensity and a hip hop class last night....and WOW, my lungs were on fire and I am sore today!!)

I did use a gym, friends, family, and 2 wonderful trainers early on in my journey as well, that helped me in many ways.  I am a fan of group fitness in general, rather it is crossfit, zumba, spin, running 5ks, ect....surrounding yourself with others tends to make you push harder. Find what you love, find what works for you, and just chase it!!!

All things through Christ!!

Transformation through exercise, nutrition, and the cross!

Fear and the outcome

Going through the journey since trying out for Extreme Weight Loss, I have written more than I have in years.  Writing...it helps me process feelings, thoughts, circumstances, lessons, keeps me accountable, keeps me real, and it is a way I can seek and hear Jesus. (I also really like to type...I love the sound of the keyboard and keeping my fingers on the right keys! I know...I am a dork!)  I wish I could do it more, but sometimes I am wordless and often I just don't have time. Its hard wanting to write and not knowing what to say, but when the Lord impresses it upon your soul to write something, you can't help but want to get 'er done.

This post is like that!

I could easily be an emotional mess.
There I said it...out loud.(And yes, often times I am)
I am talking 24/7 I could let emotions and thoughts get the best of me.
I struggle with fear, anxiety, guilt, anger, depression, and loneliness.

That is why over the years I turned to food. In my letter to Chris Powell, I said “God created me a little on the sensitive side with a flare of drama queen, these emotions were handled with food and still are to this day. As much as I showed emotions I covered them up inside, calorie after calorie. I could never figure out how to allow Christ to fill the space that I allowed food to stuff.”

Since I started my journey, I have significantly decreased my abuse of food!! There have been moments, plenty of moments, but I am feeling more than eating....more than I ever have.  It's scary and real. I am still learning how to allow Christ to fill the space!!

So many thoughts, feelings, and emotions creep into my spirit and I have to choose, yes I choose not to use food to push them away, and I have to face them.....really face them.   THIS. IS. HARD.

Then I have to figure out what to do them.  THIS. IS. HARDER.

Emotions have always made me feel like I am drowning.  In a previous post, I said "There are days when I feel like I am drowning...and on those days I want to swim with sugar instead of holding the hand of Jesus."  When one is chasing what matters, including their health, one can not swim with sugar.   In my quest to chase Jesus I am learning to allow Him to feel the spaces and hold His hand, but I easily loose focus and began feeling suffocated and stressed.

Just like I am choosing not to use food, I have to choose not to let emotions take over.

Recently, my husband told me he wants to go deep sea fishing. When he first mentioned this adventure I was not really moved, but when I realized how serious he was, I was struck by fear . He has always wanted to do this.  This time we have more than enough planning opportunity....it could happen.  At the dinner table discussing this, even my oldest child showed fear when it was mentioned. (And that was without her knowing how I felt!!)

She got this fear thing from me. On one hand I am thankful it will help keep her safe, yet on the other hand it will keep her from amazing experiences.  I know what a spiritual, emotional, and mental battle fear is....along with many other emotions.

As far back as I remember I can recall fear being a struggle, but it was after I was married it begin to physically affect me...I had my first panic attack, it was a result of a medication interaction, but it was still a panic attack. I can recall feeling like my heart popped, my chest felt heavy.  I wanted to rush to the ER.  I called my mom, a nurse, and a person who easily brings me comfort.  We both knew my heart had in fact not popped.  For weeks after this night I felt like icy hot had been rubbed on the inside of chest.  I could not sleep and when I tried I would tuck my bible under my pillow. I was paralyzed by fear!

Around this time my OCD personality reared it's head in ways it never had.  I began checking...checking locks, checking the stove, checking lights, checking medicine, checking my jewelry...over and over again I would check things, making sure everything was in its place and things were off.  This kept me at times from just living in the moment and increased my eating.

My husband would have so much fun with my OCD.   I would have completed my nightly inspecting, crawl into my cozy, warm bed, get comfortable and he would say, "did you check your ring?".  I would lay there only for a minute, attempting to control the urge to get up and check yet again, before the pressure was too much and I would need to check once more. We have had good laughs over this memory and a sweet apology.

Fear is at the root of anxiety and OCD.  Fear has kept me from adventures, from weight loss, from doing what God has called me.  It has hindered my parenting and my role as a wife.  It has stolen joy from my moments and rest from my nights.

But, I realize too that feelings are a gift.  I love that I am a little dramatic.  I love that I am passionate. I also know that Satan wants to use that against me...he wants me to be taken over by feelings, tempted by thoughts, and paralyzed by fear.

Jesus made me fearfully and wonderfully.  He created me a little on the sensitive side with a flare of drama queen.  But, Jesus did not give me a spirit of fear.  The outcome of fear is not living. Not enjoying the fullness of life God gave us.

I want to live!  I want to chase what matters.  And I want my children to as well! 

Do I face my fear of deep sea fishing?  Do I allow the thoughts of what could happen to drown me?  Do I allow fear to win?  Do I allow fear to keep me from chasing my journey to health, my journey to chase what matters, to chase Jesus and the hearts of those I love? 

What are you letting fear keep you from? Are you going to choose to hold the hand of Jesus or drown??

Chase what matters.  All things through Christ.

 

"When I am afraid, I will trust in You." (Psalms 56:3 HCSB)

 

 

 

P.S.

Look for updates about deep sea fishing in August. 

 

Recognizing God

I am working on a new post, in the meantime here is a poem I wrote many years ago:


I recognized God today
He was in the colors of the morning sum
I recognized God today
He touched my hair with the wind
I recognized God today
He was in the smell of the rain
I recognized God today
He was in my daughter's laughter as she swung
I recognized God today
He was in the voice of my husband saying I love you
I recognized God today
He was in a picture of you
I recognized God today
Did you?

2014 Graduates, you did it!!

Back in 2007 I had the honor of performing a monologue my friend and I wrote and speaking briefly to a group of young graduates.

In honor of so many I know graduating this year I wanted to share the words I spoke:


You've done it.  You are graduating from high school in just a few days.  I remember from my high school days those last few days of school....you are so excited, talking about what your doing for graduation, what your doing for summer, what college your going too, and maybe signing a few year books. In all your plans that you are making, are you including God?  Proverbs 16:3 says "Commit to you the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed."  The footnotes in my bible read: "Still others commit a task fully to the Lord, but put forth no effort themselves, and then wonder why they do not succeed.  We must maintain a delicate balance: trusting God as if everything depended on Him, while working as if everything depends on us."  As you close your senior year, have committed your future to the Lord?  Are you willing to put forth some effort?    Moms, grandmothers, friends, have you committed your loved one to the Lord?  Proverbs 16:9 says "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."  Always remember the Lord is in control. Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Graduates of 2007 (and now today Graduates of 2014) you have a hope and a future.

When I graduated from high school most people wrote something like this...you are awesome, don't ever change in yearbooks and notes.  Does that sound familiar?  Are you writing that?  Shortly, after I graduated, I heard someone say that we should not write that.  I agree today.  If you have written those words though remember there is no condemnation in Christ!!  Change means to become transformed.  Romans 12:2 states "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is-his good, pleasing, and perfect will."  We are called to be changed.  Ecclesiastes 8:1 "Who is like the wise man? Who knows the explanation of things? Wisdom brightens a man's face and changes its hard appearance." Wisdom comes from God and spending time with Him.  When we spend time with the Creator, He changes us.  2 Corinthians 3:18 says "And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit."  God is transforming us daily. We must allow Him.  Graduates of '07, and today, keep on changing!.

Season Premier of Extreme Weight Loss Season 4

I just finished watching the season premier of Extreme Weight Loss Season 4.

Such mixed emotions...this is the season I tried out for.

I wrote a letter to Chris Powell.

Yet, despite not making it, I have looked forward to this show coming on. I have wondered if anyone I attended the casting with made it??   It is always motivational and inspiring.  I am thrilled for these people!!  Honestly, I am!!!

But, I do feel a little sad for myself!  I feel so far from where I want to be.  I had hopes of being at my goal at this point...but obstacles have been in my way.  Its during these trials I would  love for Chris Powell to say to me "when you can't believe in yourself let me believe in you."  My journey is so much more than physical weight loss.  I am desperately chasing transformation.  Transformation of my mind, body, and spirit.....and sometimes, sometimes it feels so darn lonely!   I have had many people in my life the last year believe in me, but I am currently at an intersection of  doubt and stuck!!  I would really love for someone to push me and invest in me like they do on the show until I reach my goal.

The flip side of this pity party coin is gratitude.  I am so thankful that Jesus used this show as a catalyst for change in my life. I am thankful for what He has accomplished through me. I am thankful for what He has taught me.  I am thankful for what I have experienced and who I have met.  And now, now that I have tasted that change...I want more.

As I sit here struggling with words to express what I am feeling and wishing the scale would begin to descend again, I also know that Jesus believes in me.  He invests in me.  He is calling me.  I know He has not brought me this far to leave me.  I know He has a plan.  I know He wants me to just keep chasing.

Keep chasing what matters.  Keep chasing what He is calling you to.  

He invests in you and believes in you...even at the intersection of  unbelief and stuck. 

All things through Christ.

Throwback Thursday and Happy Anniversary

Monday is our wedding anniversary.  We will celebrate 13 years.   

8 years ago I wrote in a journal about what we did on our 5th anniversary. (I have a few writings from 06 and 05 that I attempted to make devotional like)

So today to celebrate our marriage and to participate in Throwback Thursday I will post it (pretty much as is, but be advised: I have a note beside it that says rough draft and I did say attempted to make devotional like!) 

On May 26, 2006 I went on my first true hike.  My husband and I went to Middle Fork Lake in Red River, NM.  I was very excited, but a little apprehensive, I was not sure what to expect. I don't think anyone could have prepared me.  The area was beautiful, the sounds were calming, but the hike was exhausting.  Every climb got more difficult and I grew more short of breath.  The air thinned as the mountain tops grew closer. The ground was loose, flies buzzed around us...we were roughin it.  Right before the last leg, I felt like I could not go anymore, David encouraged me and we moved on.  I am glad I did not quit.  The sight of the lake and landscape was worth it.  God blessed my journey with the view of the lake. Our journey with Him is similar.  The climb is difficulty, but God quenches us with Living Water.

Thank you David for encouraging me then and for encouraging me now on my journey. God blessed me on that hike and He has and  will bless this journey.  I know I will be glad I did not quit.  Happy Anniversary!

 

My Family's Camping Tale

In April my family went camping.   I looked so forward to this weekend, it held promises of quality time and memories. In my quest to chase, chase what matters I was filled with anticipation of time with my family.

My husband did the planning, most of the shopping, and a lot of the packing...because he usually does the planning for trips, but also because I re-injured my knee and was barely able to walk.  He had taken the day off to finish things. We planned on leaving soon after I got home from work and the kids came home from school. We don't usually leave when we plan and this time was not exception. My husband kept saying "Come on we need to leave so we can set up the tent before dark."

We drove into the state park camping area about 7 PM Thursday evening. As we drove into the area,  there was a big sign with the name of the state park....it was the perfect picture opportunity...I could capture a memory forever. My husband reluctantly allowed the photo op, but said "hurry, I want to set up the tent before dark."  Once we entered the park, we had to drive around looking for the perfect camping spot.  Driving around we noticed most people had RVs and we even wondered if tent camping was acceptable.  While driving around, my husband grew concerned, because he wanted to set up the tent before dark. We finally picked our spot.  We were all anxious to set-up, start a fire, roast hot dogs, and have s'mores. During the unloading of the truck my sweet husband surprised me with a potty tent.  (This surprise goes back to a previous camping trip, but that, that is another story and will not be told on this blog.)  It was such a sweet surprise, I almost felt bad for picking a site close to the camp bathrooms. However, it was very hard to use with a knee injury.

Quickly, we realized our expectations about our evening would not be met. We had another surprise during the unpacking of the truck.  The brand new, got it for Christmas in 2012, only used once in our backyard tent was still in our attic and we were stuck with a canopy.  (The canopy and tent look similar packed away).

In my attempt to not have a panic attack and lighten the mood, I said "Hey, remember that time we went camping and you forgot the tent?"  We do this often when things happen. One of my husband's favorites is, "Do you remember the time you backed into the garage door?"   Yes, yes I do.  At some point these messes will give us something to laugh about.

My husband built a fire, lit a lantern, and drove to the nearest town to purchase a tent (an hour away...that is 1 hour there and back, plus time to purchase new tent....that is approximately 2.5 hours).  The girls and I would hang out by the fire ...however, the fire.... it died.   I tried to keep it going, but I am no fire starter.  My mom assisted via face time with the fire, my oldest daughter demo'd mad skills in lighting a match ( I could not light the match), but yet that fire would not roar.

Where's the fire?

Knowing how bad my man felt for this packing mishap, I tried to stay positive....for his sake, the kids, and for the promise of quality time and memories.  Boy, was this gonna be a memory!!  ( this staying positive thing was hard!!)

With no fire to sit around I decided we could unpack the camp, even with my bum knee.  I looked around the covered picnic area only to see HUGE spiders in all four corners.  These were so big, I was a little fearful. I also imagined waking up to words written in the spider's web...as big as they were these spiders had reminded of Charlotte from Charlotte's Web.  I confess the frustration of the situation was building much faster than the camp or fire.

We decided just to sit in our chairs until my husband got back.
Longest. Wait. Ever.
The girls and I talked about lessons we could learn from this.  Talked about supporting David even though we all were frustrated, tired, and hungry.We talked about choosing to have good attitudes even when things don't go as expected.

When David came back, he got the fire going again (the wood was wet that's why it was not lighting), set up our new tent, and  began to organize the camp site.  Everyone's stress level was roaring louder than the fire and the june bugs were everywhere!  It was was not the evening of quality time and memories I had expected.

We got settled and went to bed in our brand new tent.  After a good nights rest and coffee by the fire the next morning the situation seemed much funnier.

We did have a great Saturday.  I knew this trip held some promise of quality time and memories.   We hung out together and we each spent one on one time with our kids.  During our camping weekend my girls thought  mommy's limp was the funniest thing ever, they called it the "mommy dance".  They like to show me this dance often.  They demonstrate their best mommy like limp and say "oooowwww".... always much more dramatic than I ever did it. And we were all mesmerized by the deer we saw Friday evening....which we would have been unaware of had my husband not gone to buy a new tent....he drove by them on the way out to purchase it.

They loved seeing all the deer. 

Saturday we packed up and headed home...after the girls participated in an Easter egg hunt the state park provided.  This day was a little stressful as well,  there is something about that tween age, a mom with a bum knee, a tired 6 year old, and a dad that did most of the work that spells trouble. Fuses ran short, instructions weren't followed, and parents got impatient.

Despite not having a tent and some stress, I do believe this camping trip was a success. We did have quality time, we did chase what matters, we made memories.  These messes, these molehills (that feel like mountains)....they are what memories are made of.

I hope to make many more memories and messes with this crew of mine.

The new tent.