One Year Ago

Today marks one year ago that I attended a casting call for Extreme Makeover Weight Loss Edition, now know as Extreme Weight Loss.

 

 

I was so nervous!!! I had just a few minutes to charm them and tell part of my story.  There were so many people with amazing stories...wanting and ready to change their lives.  I would never have wanted to pick who made it! If we were picked for a 2nd interview then we would receive a phone call later that day.  I never got the call and was a little disappointed. You can read more about this day here.

 

However, a few days later I ended up getting a call back....and had to drive to OK for a 2nd interview. My friends helped make it possible, taking care of my kids, and going with me.  Here is more on that story.

April 2013

December 2013

 

 

 

 After the adventure to OK, I had some homework to do.  I made videos, wrote a letter to Chris Powell, and other stuff.  It taught me a lot and gave me motivation!

I did not make it to the next round, but I was determined to do it at home.  I set a goal of a year, just like they do on the show. 

 

This past year has been an amazing journey. I have been blessed to work with some great trainers.  I have figured out I LOVE the challenge of crossfit. I have learned more about letting Jesus give me strength.....all things through Christ!!! I have learned that I am capable of more than I even realize.  I have learned to push myself!

 

 

 

 

I have also learned that obstacles are just part of the journey.  I have had my knee scoped, pneumonia, and major dental stuff since December.  These obstacles have set me back, but Jesus has used them to teach me to chase what matters and not to quit when there are storms.

 

 

Needless to say, I have not met my goal, and with the obstacles....I did gain a few pounds, but I am still down a total of 57lbs from my heaviest.  (I was down 66lbs).  But, I am still on the journey and its a good place to be!! 

 



 

Down 66lbs

 

 

 

This was 4-12-14

Down 57lbs



I am thankful that Jesus is in the business of transformation. I am thankful for the support of my family and friends. I am thankful for all of the people who have been apart of this journey...there are so many!!!  I am thankful that I am learning to chase what matters.


All things through Christ!!


 



 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chase, Not Just A Childhood Game "-My Messy Beautiful"

What do you remember playing growing up?

The street I grew up on filled quickly with screaming kids after Saturday morning cartoons.  We pretended to be super friends, we played dolls, raced cars, jumped rope, and we played chase.  Running, tagging, yelling, laughing, and at times even fighting.

I grew up around a baseball field.  Many times those of us who were not playing ball, played chase.  We chased each other and we chased every ball hit out of the field....if we got the ball, we could turn it in for a free snow cone. We even played chased on skates at the rink on Friday nights.  

It seems we were always chasing something.  I don't think much has changed. Chase is not just a childhood game. It's been my life.  I have chased everything....food, diets, emotions, to-do lists, status, control, negative thoughts, a clean house, and sometimes being something I wasn't.

The game of chase has left me drained...physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

It's exhausting!!!

I am learning to play chase differently. 

My one word this year is chase.

I want to chase what matters.

I am learning to chase Jesus through love and through obedience. In the past I chased Him more out of my circumstance. I am learning to chase Jesus, because He matters.

I am learning to chase health and transformation. In the past it was about the quick fix and the next best diet plan. I am learning to chase health and transformation, because I matter.

I am learning to chase relationships. In the past it's been about a to-do list and my routine. I am learning to chase relationships, because people matter.

I have been changing how I chase Jesus and health for a while.  The journey He is taking me on is transforming me inside out. I am learning that I am capable of so much more. I am learning that I can't do His will if I am bound by fat and the struggles that brings. I  have learned that there is redemption in running. I have learned that I can survive crossfit. I am learning that I can share my stories. I am learning that as I write I find healing and lessons. I am learning to trust. Trust, when there is no weight loss. Trust, when the circumstances around me are hard. I am learning to never give up. I am learning all things through Christ. I am learning that bumps along the journey don't have to take me off the journey. I can still chase what matters.

 

 

 

But, its just been since about October that I have been figuring out how to change the game in relationships....especially with my kids.

I have been parenting by routine and a check list for 10 years. I have been parenting by volunteering for things that make me more busy. I thought it would be a good way to spend time together, but it appears to take me further away. I confess I have even been parenting behind my phone.

The conviction of needing to chase my kids differently has come through many ways. One way is words written at Hands Free Mama. Over and over again I would read her posts and wonder how she became a fly on the walls of my home.  She taught me these words, "Stop! Only love today."    

I was doing a bible study titled Chase by Jennie Allen on the last snow ice day (yep, where I live it's usually ice, not snow that shuts down our schools and roads) we had, I was convicted again.  I frequently chase a to-do list and not the people behind the list. On this cold day, I chose my kids instead of my list. That list was a mile long. My house was mess...it still is. I confess it was hard, but the blessings of time with my children was better than a clean floor.

I tell my kids no, more often than I tell them yes. On a typical day after school, I become almost robotic. Backpack cleaned out, chores done, homework finished, and repeatedly tell them to hurry....we keep checking off the list.....and I have to remind myself, its about the hearts of those I love and not completing the list. 

Have you been playing the game of chase? What are you chasing?  Are you tired of chasing it? 

Changing the way I chase....it's easier said than done. There are days when I feel like I am drowning....and on those days I want to swim with sugar instead of holding the hand of Jesus. I want to check off my to-do list, stay in the comfort of routine instead of saying yes to my child or something not on the list.

But, I promise we can be game changers. Like me, you can learn new ways to play. Whatever you have chased or you are currently chasing, the game is not over. You can do it differently. We can do it differently. 

Know you are worth chasing a different thing.  Know the hearts of those you love are worth putting aside the list.  Know that Jesus has a plan and purpose for you.  Know all things through Christ.

Tag, You're It!!!

You were meant to chase what matters.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This essay and I are part of the Messy, Beautiful Warrior Project — To learn more and join us, CLICK HERE! And to learn about the New York Times Bestselling Memoir Carry On Warrior: The Power of Embracing Your Messy, Beautiful Life, just released in paperback, CLICK HERE!

 



Beauty is in the eyes of God

Beauty is in the eyes of God.
Isn't she lovely, declares the Lord!
See the sparkle in her eyes.
Isn't she lovely, declares the Lord!
I have heard her cries and her laughter.

Beauty is in the eyes of God.
Isn't she lovely, declares the Lord!
Fearfully and wonderfully made.
Isn't she lovely, declares the Lord!
I know the number of hairs on her head.

Beauty is in the eyes of God.
Isn't she lovely, declares the Lord.
Beauty from ashes.
Isn't she lovely declares the Lord!
I will hold her in my righteous right hand.
                                                               ~Shelly W. Jones

Overhead sqauts, pull-ups, and tears Oh my!!

Kodiak CrossFit = Overhead squats, pull-ups, and tears Oh my!!!!

Often times since beginning my crossfit journey in July I have had tears. 

Weight loss is so much more than just losing fat. There is change and transformation within.  For me, crossfit is one of the catalyst for the metamorphosis that is taking place.

There is insight to living that happens many times during a WOD.

This past Friday was another day that a workout was used to sharpen me.

I woke up feeling a little fed up...okay a lot fed up with all the things I have been dealing with. I AM DONE. 

I made it to a mom's prayer group and the verses we read were on healing. (Yes, I will take some! ) These women covered me in prayer.  I was so thankful. 

Its hard to keep fighting, when you feel so knocked down.

And this is what I felt during this 15 minute WOD...15 minutes of 10 overhead squats and 10 pull-ups, as many rounds as possible.  I had to modify using a box, light weight, and bands....but it was HARD.  Those pull-ups, pulled up some emotions and tears. I wanted to so badly to run out the door, around the building and crumble to the ground in a good ole fashioned pity party.  Its just been too much.

I seriously contemplated this party. I wanted to leave....my arms wanted me to....my quads wanted me to...its hard to keep fighting, when you feel so knocked down. Yet, it wasn't the workout that made me want to leave...its just the heaviness of the circumstances around me the last few months. Its hard to keep pulling up both during a WOD and in life.

But, I didn't quit.  I kept doing those pull-ups through teary eyes. 

And I won't quit now. 

I will keep chasing my health.  I will keep chasing Jesus. I will keep chasing strength. I will keep chasing transformation. 

Whatever you are dealing with, its normal to feel like quitting, its rather you quit or not that matters.

We got this!

All things through Christ!

A prayer...A psalm by Shelly

A psalm I wrote as instructed in the Chase study by Jennie Allen;

My stability.
My comfort.
My fear taker.
Your capabilities are beyond what I can see.
I praise You for the blessing You bestow upon me.

Forgive my blindness, and the things my eyes won't see.
Forgive my deafness, and the whispers my ears don't hear.
Forgive my disbelief and the worry that's there.

I have doubted the things You can do,
Questioned Your use of me.
I have doubted the prayer You can answer,
Diminished Your power with my fear.

I am sorry Lord.
I surrender.
I surrender to You, my Savior, my God.
Give me ears to hear, eyes to see, and feet to walk in Your ways.
Bless me with courage and boldness, and
please, please, please help my unbelief.

Ramblings Amdist My Struggles

Tears. 

Big tears.

Numerous tears.

And I just tried candy I recently saw at a store because of those tears. I am also drinking comfort in a cup as I type....AKA hot chocolate.

I had previously started this post a few days ago, here is how it began:

They say things happen in 3s.

I am on my 3rd.

I ended 2013 and started 2014 with my knee being scoped, then pneumonia, and now I have a bad tooth abscess.

So, I am done for the year, right?!?!

I don't know if I am done.

I confess I have and I am struggling with all of this. I want to be well.  All of this puts a bump on the road to weight loss, health, and crossfit.  It makes it hard to care for myself, much less my family.

However all this has opened my eyes to understanding more what Rachel Stafford means over at Hands Free Mama. (not that I have any of it down...I am a work in progress)

It has shown me more about my one word:  Chase...and things I should be chasing.

As I drove home a few weeks ago, I was asking God again what He was wanting to teach me. I confessed my anger at yet one more thing to deal with.  I confessed my fear about the infection.

What I have heard God say in the last few months and in the quietness of my swagger wagon that night is this:

Learn to say no.  Even doing good things get in the way of making time for what matters.

Spend time with your family, not just running to activities.

Spend time with people.

Enjoy some of your hobbies.

Let things go.

Even though you are dealing with a lot lately, there are people dealing with more.

When things happen are you still going to chase me?  Or are you going to throw your journey and goals out the window?

You may feel a little lost right now, but I know right where you are.

Maybe I am preparing you for something down the road?

This time in my car brought tears to my eyes as I realized the struggle I have with prayer and with faith.  I love to pray, but God showed me that I limit my prayers.  I don't always pray bold prayers.....why??  I don't want to be disappointed when what I pray for does not happen.

But, what if??

What if I took a chance??
I praise if it happens. 
I praise if it doesn't.   I will not always understand His ways.

After I confessed this to a group of ladies one of them sent me a link to a blog, the post was titled praying for a miracle.

I love this guys words about prayer. 

He is ahead of us and behind us. Not only does He have our backs, He has the path ahead.

Jesus is in the business of transformation as seen many times in the word. 
He is not done transforming me and is using these things to do that!

All Things Through Christ!

Now, back to the tears.

Apparently 3 is not the magic number. 

In this blog post My Letter to Chris Powell, I wrote about a car wreck I was in.  It will be 19 years ago in March.  Today I found out that I will be needing to replace the bridge that I have from this accident and will need a root canal on one of the teeth in the bridge. We will start this work almost 19 years to the day of the wreck.

So many emotions were brought up as I was told this today. 

Through the struggles I have had the last few months I have felt anxiety daily.  Feelings of worry, fear, angst, and doubt.
I have had physical discomfort in my chest making me doubt I am over the pneumonia.  Today was no exception.  Anxiety and tears made up my day.

Yet, I know that "God did not give us a spirit that makes us afraid but a spirit of power and love and self-control"  2 Timothy 1:7 New Century Version (NCV).

You need to know that I am a mess.
When I write, its not usually because I have a handle on the thing, its cause I need to learn it.  God is using it as an active teachable moment in my life.

And it is hard!!!

As I sat in church yesterday somewhere I saw this verse, Psalm 34:4 "I sought the LORD, and He answered me and delivered me from all my fears." (NASB). 
I looked up the message version "God met me more than halfway, he freed me from my anxious fears."

Today, I am thankful that He is meeting me more than halfway. 

Perception

 In a small group recently, I listened to ladies answer various questions, including this one, from the Chase study by Jennie Allen. I did not voice my thoughts on the question, but I have thought about it often since....I have thought about it most of my life.

 It is hard not to think about how others perceive you. 

 

A day in the life of the girl with food issues:
 

The morning had been stressful.  I woke up late resulting in yelling at my kids to hurry every 5 minutes. I had stayed up late to finish marking off my to do list.  I barely had time for breakfast.  Oh and did I mention we had some decisions that needed to be made that were weighing me down.  I did not have time to fix my hair or pay attention to my soul.  I had guilt for working and guilt for wanting to stay at home with my kids.  Many emotions and struggles.  Then it was lunch time.   I couldn't control anything else it seemed in my life, but I could control the food.  For so long it had been comfort...I have controlled it in a negative way.  It is like a drug and it medicates you, if even for a brief moment, easing the emotions, easing the stress. It fills for a second the hole screaming to be filled by Jesus. (We have to learn to quit filling the space with anything but Jesus...I know its hard...trust me, food is not my only struggle!) I pick my poison for the day...a favorite sandwich shop...and here is the gist of what is said:

Clerk: "what can I get you today?"

Me: "umm we are going to share a foot long"

Clerk:  "would you like chips and a drink with that?"

Me:  "yes please'

Clerk:  "can I get you any cookies today?"

Me:  "Oh yes, I think he wanted 2 chocolate chip and I want 1 peanut butter and 1 macadamia nut."

 

When food is medicating you, you don't just order a little, you order a lot!!!  However, you don't want the person taking the order to perceive that you are eating everything...  Who am I kidding??   I am eating those cookies!! All those cookies....and that sandwich.  I confess I am worried about the how that person is perceiving me, thus the use of the little white lie.

   

 

As I mature in my faith, my age, and my journey with weight loss and health I have seen this regard to how others perceive me get less...but its still there.  I don't want anyone to judge me, interpret something I did or didn't do the wrong way rather it is food related or not! Sometimes so much so that I justify my actions instead of letting my yes be yes and my no be no.

 

But, its not so much others perception's of me that I need to worry about,
 its mine.

 

I can be my own worst critic. So many times in my life I never viewed myself as strong enough.  I was not good enough. I have said I can't more often than I have said I can. I have become great at perceiving myself for who I am not, instead of embracing myself for who I am.

 

As I focus on the word chase this year, I want to chase who I am and embrace it. I want to chase who Jesus says I am. I want to teach my girls to do this as well.

Along my journey I am learning to change my perception of myself. I am strong. I am worth it.  I am loved.  I can do things.  I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  I pray that you do as well.

Embrace who you are.  Embrace who's you are.

We can do all things through Christ.