Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Be Honest

The last 3.5 weeks have been hard. Very hard.

There has been a significant loss in my family.  Loss brings with it tons of emotions, from hurt feelings, to lots of love, and everything in between.

For a girl who has turned to food to self-regulate emotions, feelings, and thoughts this has been a challenge.

While eating fairly well M-F, the weekends have suffered. My workouts have too.

I had to go out of town due to the situation with my family.  I am incredibly thankful I was able to be there.  I didn't stress about not logging my food.  I didn't stress about what I was eating.  I didn't feel guilty.  I owe this freedom from guilt to Jesus and my personal trainer.

I came back home after being gone 7 days physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted, so the  week I returned wasn't great.  I did not get back on track, but I didn't stress about this nor did my trainer.  Although the reality of the here and now was not on point, the big picture showed progress.

The next week I was celebrating my wedding anniversary and I had other plans that week too, so yet again not a great week.  I didn't track well, eat good, or workout much.  I met with my trainer on Wednesday May 27th for the last time face to face, the day after my anniversary dinner.  I was honest about it not being the best nutritionally, but didn't feel guilty.  (Real events, real life happens on this  journey.)  My last day was supposed to be today,  but with work and last week of school stuff for my kids, I had to mark something off.  I did join a gym and committed to still working fact I have gone 4 out of the last 7 days.  Adam and I also made an appointment to catch up on the phone in a few weeks since I needed to lighten my load.

Although I was honest with Adam about my anniversary meal, I wasn't honest with him about how I was really doing last week. I wasn't honest with anyone at first.  I didn't track it either, but the evidence was on the scale, in my head, and in my heart.  It started with a specific craving and it grew into days of binging.  Hiding the trash of food I ate. Buying food and eating a few items out of the package, but finding a trash can on the way home to throw the rest away, so I wouldn't eat the whole box.   The food soothed some of the emotions I felt, but now I felt guilt.  I also felt physically bad. 

All of the stuff over the last 18 months came flooding over me last week and all I could seem to do was eat.

With that said as I focus on the word "be" in 2015 this month's focus is to be honest!

I don't want to lie about where I am with food and emotions. Since Monday I have gotten back on track. One day I took a picture of my fitbit numbers and myfitnesspal numbers posting them on social media. I will continue to do that on occasions this month to help me be honest. 

Tonight I have dinner plans.  This weekend I have plans.  I will track them as best I can even if I am over on my calories.  I will not feel guilty for living life, but I will also not feed my emotions.  I will remember how good a workout feels and how good I feel when I am not binging.

I listened to a podcast yesterday.  The podcast is titled Coffee with Chris.  In one that I listened to Christine Caine said "Failure is an event, not who you are." 

The last week of binge eating, was an event not who I am. 


Be Honest 

All things through Christ

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